Saturday, December 25, 2010

[holiday confession]

My dreams bother me.



"Kafka on the shore" "shore of the cosmic ocean" "I was like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me."

Friday, December 17, 2010

RANT RANT RANT

[Note: I'd like to apologize for this particular entry, as it is incredibly emotionally-oriented and reads like a rant Gertrude Stein wrote while PMSing.  So, um.  Sorry about that.  Feel no obligation to read.  You've been warned.  -PB.]
 
 
I give up on romantic relationships. 

Don't get me wrong!  This isn't a depressing concession;  it's more of a liberation.  The majority of my high school's graduating class has already married;  many have children - and, even though "wife" and "mother" are important, fulfilling roles, glancing through their Facebooks has made me realize:  that sort of life isn't for me. 

I feel so young - completely naive, irresponsible.  I can't imagine taking on that responsibility.  Marriage and housekeeping is the norm for a 21-year-old in Itasca, but... I mean, Christ!  Can you picture -me- as a -mom-?  Hell, I can barely take care of myself.  And settling down with a partner?  Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been that close to *anyone* emotionally :-\

And the divorce rate!

Children (well, at least little girls) are spoon-fed princess tales ending in happily ever afters, but no one ever talks about what happens after Belle ends up with the Beast.  Does he still have anger management issues?  Does his waitstaff still quake fearfully in anticipation of violent outbursts and unreasonable demands?  Will Belle ever blame her husband for not being able to travel, or pursue her dreams of adventure (which were extolled in song at the beginning of the film, but promptly discarded by the resolution)?  Would Belle love the Prince even if he remained a Beast?  And was causing him to change him such an admirable thing?

Even if everything is "perfect" in their marriage - a few petty squabbles, maybe some issues about how to raise their kids, someone not folding laundry properly - about as "perfect" as a marriage can get -  ... is that really an interesting, fulfilling relationship?  That sort of complacency, for *years* - fidelity, monogamy, gradually watching each others' bodies deteriorate, and then finally ending in death (most likely one right after the other)?  Or, even worse, a finale of debilitating mental illness that robs your partner of their memories, like Alzheimer's or dementia?  Being tortured, watching as a relationship you've devoted decades of your life to is gradually erased from your partner's mind until you, your children, your grandchildren are mere strangers? 

And that's just one example of mental illness - there are scores of others, not to mention physical illnesses - all of which come saddled with health care fees.  As if the emotional trauma weren't an adequate burden.  So freaking depressing.  It's like signing your emotional well-being away for a chance to procreate, or claiming "OMG LOVE" just because a few chemicals are sounding off in your brain :(

... Was that what Dustin Hoffman realized at the end of The Graduate? :-\  
"All right, I've gotten the girl!  ... So, um.  What now?  Hamburgers, maybe?"

At any rate, Pajj is taking a break from this whole "serious" thing for a while.  Polyamory shall be considered;  abstinence is much more likely.  I'd like to get to know myself for a while.  Colorado this past summer, Beijing, and... well, the internet! (even though that sounds sketchy) have opened up the world, and, frankly?  There are too many interesting, attractive, and exciting people to even consider concentrating on just one.

At least for the moment.

... Unless that One is Natalie Portman. 
(Then I might make some exceptions.)


At any rate,
<3s and stars
Pajj

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

DISCLAIMER

Let me tell you about the internet.
It's fucking magic.


No matter how much I see, or do, or learn,
there's always going to be more.


Sometimes?
This makes me kind of melancholy.
[I can't know everything?  WHY?]



But mostly, it just feels like being set loose 
in a huge, continuously-expanding toy store.
And sure, there are some crappy toys
and it takes a while to find the Legos,
but when I do?   HOLY GOD.

I have to tell someone.


Other times?  
And some times?
...It's just Star Wars related.


But the point is, 
I hope to get you excited, too.
To ask questions, and maybe
(if I'm really really lucky) 
to get you to smile.

At any rate,

. . . 


... NOT [JUST] BECAUSE I AM ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET.



<3s and stars,
Pajj

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Wash the dirt off our intentions, prattle on about bad inventions

Currently at the Charlie Brown Cafe, and, since it's past 10:00 pm, using the restroom requires walking across the street to the Korean Karaoke Bar (aka THE DEN OF DEBAUCHERY).  Make it to the sixth floor, apologetically tell the hostess where I'm going and why.  Duck behind some chairs, squeeze by some girls who are drinking and attempting to sing (puh-POE-kuh FAY-suh), ignore the sketchy Asian-glow guys (Ni qu nar?), and duck into the girls' restroom.

Shut the door, attempting to muffle the noise outside.  There.  Quiet.  Lean against the wall.  Breathe.  Hear water running into a sink toward my right;  open my eyes. 

What I see:  a [rather inebriated] man, apparently mistaking the girls' bathroom for the boys', had walked in and was currently in the process of using the sink as a urinal.  Scratch, belch.  Double-tap, zip, stretch;  turn around.

*smile* "Oh!  Herro!"
*looks up and down, smiles wider*
"Very beautiful lady!  Qu nar?"

... In case you haven't already suspected, this entry is going to be of the "whiny bitch and moan" variety.  Glorious!

So, while fleeing from the karoke bar -

(Q: Ni qu nar? 
A: AWAY FROM YOU.)

- and to the zhou place about half a block away, I had some time to think about precisely why I'll be glad to leave China in 13 days.  Here's a short list:

  1. Bathrooms in every coffee shop.  (Obvious reasons.)
  2. Elevators that go to every floor, not just the ones deemed "important".  (Seriously, if I had dollar for every time I'd taken an elevator in a 10+ story building that only opened for the first floor and the eighth, I'd be able to buy a share in Apple stock.)
  3. Not being referred to as "beautiful" everywhere I go.  (It's just blonde hair, people, and the attention is incredibly annoying.  I don't like having my picture taken;  not a zoo animal.)
  4. Internet and coffee maker from the comfort of my own bedroom!  (And boy, if you think I don't sleep now, you have NO idea how bad it gets when I have constant access to Wikipedia, PhysOrg, Netflix, and OCW sites.)
  5. Hot showers.  (I probably smell awful by now.)
  6. Not freaking out any time I drink a beverage containing powdered milk.  (Freaking melamine.)
  7. Being about 70% sure that if I'm in a coffeehouse at night, a college-age couple won't be horizontally groping each other in the booth next to me.  (Jesus, guys!  For heaven's sake, get a room!)
  8. Christmas!  Beer Bike!  All the important holidays!
  9. Not being approached on the street, asked for friendship, and then coerced into an impromptu English language instruction session.
  10. Oh, and speaking of that?  I get paid in the US.
... Don't even get me started on the coffee quality vs. price.

As for the less-bitchy and more-practical reasons:
  1. Once I enroll elsewhere, my mother will be able to declare me as a dependent on her taxes. 
  2. Also?  Loan payments won't come rolling in.
  3. Math and science!  Math and science, in a classroom setting!  I miss you so much!
  4. It'll be infinitely easier to apply for REUs from the States.
  5. Taking the GRE also would have been nigh-impossible in Beijing, not to mention expensive;  and I didn't even see testing dates for the subject tests.
Apparently several other students involved in the Chinese Scholarship Council's program have been experiencing the same problems:  lack of communication from our sponsors, lack of resources, frustrating classroom environment, hassles with loans and taxes back home.  I'm not the only one coming back early :-\  And, what's more, apparently this is the first year that the CSC did not reimburse the price of their students' plane tickets to and from China.  Don't get me wrong - I've learned a lot, and this has been a heck of an experience - not to mention infinitely cheaper than traveling abroad would have been, without the program.  The housing situation isn't pristine, and I've incurred many unforeseen expenses, but at least I have a room, right?  And I'm in China! 

Touching on that - I'll miss being completely immersed in a new environment.  I'll miss the people I've met, and I'll miss the food (even though it has a habit of making me sick).  I'll miss how every day feels like a sitcom.  I'll miss being able to see LING 201 in action ("Onety-five"!  "Mouses"!  That's allomorphy, right?), and I definitely will miss the kids.  They really are exceptionally bright, guys;  and incredibly hard-working.

But other than that?  Nope.  I'm ready to come back home.  Heck, I'd leave tomorrow! - I just need to find a duffle bag long enough to hold the bass and the longboard before I do.  There's no way I'm leaving them behind, and I don't trust my Chinese well enough to sweet talk the flight attendants into letting me bring them as carry-ons.

See you soon :)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Two-headed boy, she is all you could need ... but don't hate her when she gets up to leave.

Beautiful people!  This one might be a little bit long, and I'm a bit hyped up on caffeine
  • 3 Diet Cokes and 2 Pepsi Maxxes in the past four hours!
  • Girl Talk's "All Day" is blasting in my headphones!
  • I'm a powerhouse!  A powerhouse, I tell you!
... but there's much to tell.  Bear with me :)


FOODSTUFF
  • So, did you know that Coca-Cola changed its name when their company began production in China?  The first pronunciation was apparently something to the effect of "KeKou KeLe", which translates to... "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on dialect. When the guys in administration realized that this could potentially affect their success rate with Chinese consumers, they switched to "KoKou KoLe", which means "happiness in the mouth".
  • Upon entering any traditional Chinese restaurant, obvious Laowais are ushered to a seat and handed a nice, hardcover menu with pictures and prices.  A Fuwuyuan usually stands patiently nearby until they make their decision on what they'd like to eat.  Smiles all around.
    • TRICKERY.  ALL OF THIS IS LIES AND TRICKS.  
    • Why, you may ask?  Because there are SECRET menus, menus without pictures, but with the same dishes listed, and for much lower prices, given to the Chinese-looking people.
    • Why did it take me so long to figure this out?  And it's not just a conspiracy theory, I promise - I asked for one of the non-Laowai menus a few days ago, and, lo and behold, there was my beloved beef-and-egg-layered-rice dish staring at me for a mere 14 yuan.  
    • Oh, God, beef-and-egg-layered-rice-dish.  You are so, so good.
  • The deliciousness of ramen is entirely dependent on the number of flavored seasoning packets used in preparation.  I'd doubted the veracity of this statement until experiencing it in real life.
    • One night, while heading back home to the apartment, I stopped in a 24-hour convenience store to buy Necessities (ramen, milk, koala-bear-pudding-things, something-in-a-package-that-looks-weird-and-tastes-awful-but-I-have-to-try-it-because-OHMYGOD-shrink-wrapped-chicken-feet, etc.).  
    • While I walked around and made excited noises, an older gentleman (who both looked and acted as if he had been hitting the pijiu a little bit too hard) took it upon himself to give me grocery advice - and I am *so happy* that he did.  
    • The ramen TipsyDude recommended (shrimp-flavored) was so much more delicious than the super-hot stuff that I'd gotten before!  And, in his defense, it was a Friday night, so going on a bender was perfectly acceptable.  
      • The fact that he was buying spray on black hair dye was, um.  Not, not so much.
  • Given up on saying no to the melamine-tainted instant milk tea.  Addiction.  It's not a lovely thing.

LIFE

  • I stepped out of my apartment last week, and got really excited!  Why?  Because there was a fire truck parked outside!  A real, Chinese fire truck!
    • Or... I mean, what I assumed was a fire truck.  It was big, and it was blue (the color of water!) and there was a hose attached to it, which was unrolled and lying on the ground.
  •  Then I noticed that there wasn't any smoke nearby, and that the people tending the truck looked a little... dirty.
    • To put it mildly.
  • The hose also wasn't in the process of being rolled up and placed back on the truck;  it was making weird noises and leading straight into a manhole.  There was also a mass of foul-smelling black and green material placed in a pile by a trash-bike nearby.
  • Ladies and gentlemen, this was a personal introduction to Chinese sewage trucks:  large, exhaust-spewing vehicles that work hard to transport your shit to places unknown.  Like the Millenium Falcon!  Except, instead of Jedi and droids, there are used condoms and feces.  And instead of Han Solo, there's a toothless old man carrying a thermos of beef tea.
    • Christ, I really hope that was beef tea.

OTHER THINGS

I've been reading Five Minds for the Future by Howard Gardner, a Harvard-educated developmental psychologist specializing in education (who writes like he would rather die than step outside of his house without a Thesaurus).  You can thank this guy for anything you remember about PSYC 101's "multiple intelligences".

Gardner classifies intelligence into five "minds", and postulates that the "creative" mind and the "synthesizing" mind will be the future's greatest commodities.  The book is very interesting;  I'm probably biased, though, since some of the author's comments about Creative Thinkers mention dropping out of school, rebelling against authority, forging non-traditional paths, dicking around on the internet, and doing whatever they dang well please.  Score!  I do most of that already, and apparently it's valuable?  Fucking win!

[More about this book will be mentioned on OtherBlog when I finish reading it.]

The guy also knows his history of science, and is fond of using shoddy experiments as examples of "false creativity".  We're never going to live down phlogiston theory or cold fusion, are we?  Lord, I hope not.  "Phlogisticated" is too much fun to say.

Oh!  And just so we're all on the same page, it looks like I'll be coming home at the end of January, after this first semester is over.  China's been an adventure, but... I'm not sure how much more of this I can take, guys :-\ 

Since the semester at CUGB ends long after the spring semester at Rice begins, I won't be back in Houston until fall 2011 (already asked the registration people and the dean).  That's cool, though;  it means I have more time to prep for the GREs and do the tail-end of applying for REUs instead of dying of boredom in my hometown.

YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.  
IF I RETURN EARLY FROM CHINA, 
I'M GOING HOME TO HILL COUNTY.

Mr. Pinner, if you still read this, I expect a jam with you on my guitar on the front porch of Coldwell Banker.  I know, I know, you've got an acoustic and prefer country tunes, but we can make it work.  And all you other people who I haven't seen in God-knows-how-long?  Hugs.  So many.  You're getting them.

Also, apparently I can get an Associate's degree in Engineering and Computer Sciences from Hill College if I show up and take like two classes.  So that might be worthwhile?  Heck, at least it'll give me something to do.

At any rate!  Get prepared, y'all will be seeing a Pajj sooner than expected :)


Hearts and stars,
Pajj