I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

So, updates:  Paige is failing at life! 
... Well, I mean, sort of. 

[Metaphorical kicks in nonexistent balls are indicated by bracketed numbers.]

Over the past week, electricity and water has been cutting itself off in the foreign students' apartments for hours at a time.  This is annoying (for obvious reasons), but it also means that my alarm clock reset itself during the night, and I wasn't able to wake up to teach my class on Saturday morning.  The administration at the high school was very unhappy about this;  I don't blame them;  and it was completely my fault.  [1]  Most likely I'll be threatened with discharge, perhaps even "fired", but since I don't really have this as part of my job record... not to mention, I'm not getting paid... it won't really count. 

Tumba (my roommate, who is from Africa and speaks basically no English) hates me, for some reason.  For the life of me, I can't figure out what I've done that's so insulting - or if it's just a general ill-feeling toward the American girl who doesn't go to class.  [2]  I have tried apologizing, via text message, notes, orally - for whatever I've done, but she doesn't seem to understand, and responds with even more scathing notes.  It's gotten to the point where I am literally terrified to come out of my bedroom, because she just stares at me with her arms crossed until I either leave the apartment, or go back into my room.  [3]

... Actually writing about it just makes it sound hilarious.  Maybe I should make a webcomic.  The other students (the two Russian girls, Mongolians, other Africans) react basically the same way.  Is knowing English like having some sort of curse word tattooed on my forehead?  Sometimes it feels that way :(

I've been reading a lot - science articles, textbooks, novels, websites, anything I can get my hands on.  *That* is a good thing, and feels similar to high school in many ways.  Theatre and academic contests were my outlet then;  otherwise, isolation was the norm.  The only problem is that Rice has spoiled me into having people to discuss ideas with - if I keep thoughts to myself, it feels... wrong, somehow.  I can write them down, I can post them on Facebook, I can try to find forums online, but that isn't broadening horizons at all.  [4]

I haven't been outside of Beijing [5], and most likely couldn't afford to go very far.  I am CHINA, for godsake!  But even though many of the things I've been reading are related to Chinese history, language, and culture, that aspect of my education while here feels ridiculously inadequate.  Most of the time, it feels like my blond hair labels me as a giant, walking pocketbook to the Chinese (that's probably paranoia speaking?  I hope?  but when I'm quoted ridiculous prices for things and fuwuyuans "forget" to bring change for purchases, or bring the wrong amounts...) [6]

Xenophobia is obvious, and understandable.  If you have so many people in your country that you have to fight for resources amongst *yourselves*, why the heck would you welcome *outsiders*, unless they were bringing additional resources for you to capitalize on?  Like the automotive companies, and other businesses that set up production in China:  Chinese people were cool with it in the beginning, because they were learning how to do the processes by themselves.  After they learned the techniques, why should they welcome foreign businesses?

Haven't been going to class;  again, my fault.  [7]  Have been studying the workbooks, but apparently was studying the wrong things, since Hanzi is the most valuable tool to my teachers (who cannot speak English).  Really, really starting to hate language barriers.  [8]  "What we have here is a failure to communicate";  probably, 90% of my problems could be solved if I was able to explain myself and understand others perfectly.

I feel so grimy, all the time - unattractive, disgusting, etc. etc.  [9]  That isn't baiting for compliments, it's an honest complaint.  When bathrooms are cleaned in this country, one mop is used;  thus, the doors, the toilets, inside the toilets, the walls, the floors?  They all end up with the same germs, and the same smell.  Showers are in the same vicinity as the toilet.  Finally realize the importance of "shower shoes".  Any time my skin touches a surface, I get this mental image of whatever I'm touching as a gigantic mound of dinosaur feces - remember that scene in Jurassic Park?  And Jurassic Park III, too, as a matter of fact. 

The best parts of the week are Friday and Sunday, because those are the live music nights in Wudaokou.  The international people I've met at Lush are lovely - interesting, sympathetic, kind.  Without them, I'd probably have given up and come home long ago (or gotten severely lonely and just locked myself in my room 24/7).  Having that support structure in place is fantastic, but does it detract from my experience in China?  If the majority of my experiences in dealing with the Chinese government and the people are negative, what sort of an impression will that leave me with?  I don't want to come out of this with a mindset embracing stereotypes :-\

Haven't applied for any REUs yet [10], and need to figure out who to ask for letters of recommendation.  Sending transcripts from Rice is going to be expensive, and I don't really have an income.  Money issues are going to be difficult.  If I receive the scholarship to study in China again next year, I might be able to arrange for funding from July 2011 to July 2012, and could change my plane ticket's departure date from July 1, 2011 to July 1, 2012.  That would mean that I could start studying at Tsinghua immediately - but I really should be using this coming summer as a way to make money for taking the GREs, living expenses while in China, not to mention a plane ticket BACK to China, if I do study here another year.

All of those things make it sound like my time here must be unbearable - but I promise, it's not!  I'm learning a lot, about many different things;  and I'm loving the people I meet.  Mostly, life is terrifically fun :)  Definitely different.  There are just a lot of little irks to deal with. 

At any rate, love you all, and miss you bunches.  I'll try to post more pictures very soon.


<3,
Pajj