Please speak softly, for they will hear us / And they'll find out why we don't trust them

China is one huge conspiracy set up in order to thwart Pajjes.  Shit you not.  There is PROOF.

1. Decorative doors and appliances.  President-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named had problems with doors a while back, and I'm beginning to think that maybe this particular gaffe wasn't so much a symptom of his incompetence as an everyday occurrence in China.  Doors in this country?  Yeah.  THEY DON'T WORK.  There are entryways, placed in buildings, specifically for decorative purposes.  A building for classes that has 3,000 people coming in and out of it each hour?  Ten doors seems pretty reasonable, right?  ONLY ONE OPENS.  A refrigerator, placed in my apartment?  Or a heating unit?  Well, yes, that's a first-world accommodation!  Good job, China!  EXCEPT THEY DON'T WORK.
2. Chocolate.  There must be real chocolate in this country, I just haven't figured out where the supermarkets have hidden it yet.  Probably stashed under a side of lamb somewhere, and you have to read the special Chinese map handed out by the supermarket guards at the front to find it.  
3. "Mei you!" 沒有 You walk into a restaurant, specializing in zhou.  You order pork and preserved egg zhou.  There's none to be had.  So you try to order rice 米.  And they don't have that, either.  Apparently the only things available are the most expensive items on the menu, and that's not kosher.  Looks like you're walking to the other zhou place, across the railroad tracks - because, yes.  The only thing more ubiquitous around here than hair salons are porridge huts.  Good thing they're open 24 hours.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect 200 yuan.
4. No one understands Chinese.  It's just a brilliant plot orchestrated by the government and practiced by the entire population in order to perplex outsiders.  All you need to do in order to get in on the ruse is speak emphatically while using a handful of syllables, and occasionally spit off to the side.  Win.  Oh, and the characters?  Some of the more important ones, like numbers and food items might be real, but the complicated ones?  Don't bother learning.  Firstly, you'll just forget;  and secondly, they don't exist.  Learn to mime.  Totally more effective.
5. No one actually has office hours.  Perpetual lunch breaks!  (The most common - in fact, ONLY - times to find people actually behind a desk, though, are 9:00 - 11:00am and 2:00 - 4:00pm.)
6. Stephenie Meyer's target audience was actually teenage Chinese girls.  Giving up everything for a boy, being perfectly chaste until marriage, acting like a child throughout the entirety of the relationship, and dying in the end?  Yeah.  Think about it. 
7. Pajjes are quarantined from the Cool.  There are some awesome, hellacious rocker/skaters in Beijing, who play loud rock music, have amazing hair/tattoos, and talk intellectually about <insert subject here>.  They just live far, far away from me, and the buses stop running at 11:00pm.  
8. Marijuana.  It's handed out to the Chinese populus liberally, like soma in Brave New World, but they're only allowed to use it prior to driving or riding bicycles.   It's especially encouraged to partake if you are expected to encounter a small blonde girl on the road that day.  Who are we to judge? 

 ... And we all know about the internet.

In other news!

• Halloween party at Yen was rad.  Nice girls don't give details.
• Pirated Chinese DVDs are giving me the media consumption quota I'm accustomed to.  Reviews to follow.  
• Holy God, I love zhou.
• Sign up for Nanowrimo, if you haven't already!  
• No one's allowed to make fun of me for quoting Paramore.
• Apparently, when placed in an awkward or potentially dangerous situation, I revert to a Texan accent and Southern belle mode.  Could this be considered a defense mechanism?

Hearts, stars, and I love you lots - especially green-eyed Asian skaters.

<3  Pajj