[Note: I'd like to apologize for this particular entry, as it is incredibly emotionally-oriented and reads like a rant Gertrude Stein wrote while PMSing. So, um. Sorry about that. Feel no obligation to read. You've been warned. -PB.]
I give up on romantic relationships.
Don't get me wrong! This isn't a depressing concession; it's more of a liberation. The majority of my high school's graduating class has already married; many have children - and, even though "wife" and "mother" are important, fulfilling roles, glancing through their Facebooks has made me realize: that sort of life isn't for me.
I feel so young - completely naive, irresponsible. I can't imagine taking on that responsibility. Marriage and housekeeping is the norm for a 21-year-old in Itasca, but... I mean, Christ! Can you picture -me- as a -mom-? Hell, I can barely take care of myself. And settling down with a partner? Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been that close to *anyone* emotionally :-\
And the divorce rate!
Children (well, at least little girls) are spoon-fed princess tales ending in happily ever afters, but no one ever talks about what happens after Belle ends up with the Beast. Does he still have anger management issues? Does his waitstaff still quake fearfully in anticipation of violent outbursts and unreasonable demands? Will Belle ever blame her husband for not being able to travel, or pursue her dreams of adventure (which were extolled in song at the beginning of the film, but promptly discarded by the resolution)? Would Belle love the Prince even if he remained a Beast? And was causing him to change him such an admirable thing?
Even if everything is "perfect" in their marriage - a few petty squabbles, maybe some issues about how to raise their kids, someone not folding laundry properly - about as "perfect" as a marriage can get - ... is that really an interesting, fulfilling relationship? That sort of complacency, for *years* - fidelity, monogamy, gradually watching each others' bodies deteriorate, and then finally ending in death (most likely one right after the other)? Or, even worse, a finale of debilitating mental illness that robs your partner of their memories, like Alzheimer's or dementia? Being tortured, watching as a relationship you've devoted decades of your life to is gradually erased from your partner's mind until you, your children, your grandchildren are mere strangers?
And that's just one example of mental illness - there are scores of others, not to mention physical illnesses - all of which come saddled with health care fees. As if the emotional trauma weren't an adequate burden. So freaking depressing. It's like signing your emotional well-being away for a chance to procreate, or claiming "OMG LOVE" just because a few chemicals are sounding off in your brain :(
... Was that what Dustin Hoffman realized at the end of The Graduate? :-\
"All right, I've gotten the girl! ... So, um. What now? Hamburgers, maybe?"
At any rate, Pajj is taking a break from this whole "serious" thing for a while. Polyamory shall be considered; abstinence is much more likely. I'd like to get to know myself for a while. Colorado this past summer, Beijing, and... well, the internet! (even though that sounds sketchy) have opened up the world, and, frankly? There are too many interesting, attractive, and exciting people to even consider concentrating on just one.
At least for the moment.
... Unless that One is Natalie Portman.
(Then I might make some exceptions.)
At any rate,
<3s and stars
Pajj
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